This may make you feel uncomfortable. That’s okay.
Greedy. Indecisive. Promiscuous. They’re just a few of the stereotypes non-monogamous people are used to hearing. So those of us who feel our hearts don’t have limits — this was wonderful. Sally Rooney’s Conversations With Friends. The series is about 2 couples that are attracted to other partners. Both relationships are between partners who already understand each other, and they have met another bond they find interesting and connect with. (I’ve not seen the end so I’m not spoiling anything). I like the title because I think it sparks a conversation.
It was incredible to see that this was something not seen as the pre-meditated, and not about self-discipline, immaturity ..that this is something that just happens between people. and it genuinely does, I know it from all my relationships. You can never know what happens between other people. You can’t own someone’s desires, thoughts and feelings. You can just be true to yourself and see what happens.
What did you want at 16? A happily ever after fairy tale, this is not true for some of us. When I was 16 I was asked in high school to write what I wanted out of life in the yearbook — the main thing was to love as many people and have as many experiences with them as possible. I don’t remember the exact words but that was the thought. I probably scribbled 10 words.
You cannot control what others do, if they are going to “cheat” they are going to cheat. If the relationship is a good one it shouldn’t end. You can work through it.
For me, it’s about trying to be completely transparent and honest with whoever you are in a relationship with. (in whatever form/arrangement that is-including friendships). That’s the fairest thing to do. If a relationship ends, it came to a natural end. Sure, put in all the work if that’s the priority but relationships end and that’s okay. As humans, we change and find other things.
It’s left me being alone for extended periods, people want to accept it/try it and love me but ultimately can’t do it themselves. It’s always been one of the truest things I’ve known about myself. Something I can’t shake.
Marriage and relationships
I admire people who are committed to one other partner, I do. It’s important for people that need stability, and for other things. When people get married I think it’s romantic and brings family and friends together to see a bond. It’s wonderful.
Getting hitched is still seen as the holy grail for raising children. But I think we underestimate what makes a family unit. Family is really about community. Children need lots of different role models around them to develop and find out who they are. People will challenge their limits by letting them play outdoors and fall out of trees. A community will get them into music, and literature. Or people that just teach them to love and have fun.
For myself, I don’t like that people think non-monogamy is about anything other than pursuing meaningful relationships. I can only speak for myself and say it’s about real connection and intimacy. That doesn’t even need to involve sex. But you can’t label relationships, they are dynamic and fluid, like we are. I’m still loyal and respect others’ boundaries that they choose, and it has to be mutual.
What is love? — wow that got philosophical.
I think we all fall a little bit in love with each other if something is sparked. It’s not just infatuation. It’s others’ stories, the way they can be awkward, and annoying, but also their music taste, and the dynamic between us.
I have a good friend that says this is not what love is, that it’s rare… that it’s about putting up with the shit and staying committed throughout a lifetime. I think you can love when you recognise something in someone else you relate to. Why not go along with the dynamic and see where it ends, or how it helps us collectively grow?
Link to one of my favourite relationship therapists below. Although I’m not sure she supports polyamory, as a rule, she does explain the dynamics of relationships well.
There is so much more to write on the topic and expand on — and will in future.
The Lesser Spotted Human 